It’s been a while since this silence took root within me. To be precise, this started on Thursday and the only significant thing I can think of is the conversation I had with Kyoto*. I’m not sure whether the conversation itself caused this silence or was it merely a trigger for an underlying cause. Either way, something stopped ticking within me, almost if time captured me within a bubble. I see time passing by, I have conversations, I consume food, I attempt to sleep, yet I feel nothing and it’s not necessarily in a bad way. Have I unlocked a whole new level of numbness? Maybe, I don’t know.
We had a phone call that lasted for almost 5 hours, we hung at around 2am and I forced myself to go to sleep at 6am. Those four hours between the end of the phone call and when I finally closed my eyes, they had a dreamlike quality to them. I remember everything I did in those four hours in crystal clear detail and I also remember a part of me just switching off completely. Now that I’m analysing that moment, I think a certain portion of that conversation hurt me and I’m doing what I always do when I’m hurt; running away from reality. Maybe shedding a teardrop or two might help, but I don’t want to or more like, in this moment, I’m very much incapable of that.
But that hurt also triggered a whole new thought process. I’ve been reliving the same loop of misery for more than 365 days and I realised that no matter how many times I try to break free, I can’t because I keep trying to resume from the point right before everything went crazy. I can’t do that. I can’t keep trying to go back to being the person I once was because she’s no longer there and neither can I pick off right where I left because that life isn’t the same anymore. What I actually have to do is build back everything from scratch. I have to accept the fact that the life I once lived went up in flames and I cannot try to continue living it when the foundation has been burnt to ashes.
I need to build a whole new foundation, with new principles, a set of my own beliefs and not what the world has told me to believe in and it is definitely not going to be easy because neither the world nor the people around me are going to stop and give me the benefit of the doubt merely because I’m trying to rebuild myself. They are going to keep expecting the same from me. So I’m going to have to simultaneously build a whole life for myself whilst also living the life the world thinks I have because saying “I’m broken, give me some time” is not going to work. I have tasks to do, responsibilities to fulfil and none of them can be put on hold simply because I’m trying to discover who I am and who I want to be.
I can no longer cling on to my old bucket list or those dreams and hopes because I don’t want any of it anymore. I need a new checklist of things I want to achieve in life and right now it’s impossibly tough because I’m not feeling anything at all and neither do I want to build a whole new life for myself. It’s easier to drown in this pool of melancholy. Even the idea of making an effort sounds absolutely exhausting right now but the thing is even I know that I need to get my act together because I can’t stay stuck in this loop of toxicity forever. If I want my life to change I know that I have to be the one consciously making that change but it’s scary and it’s not going to be easy and truly it just terrifies me because I know I’m going to fall a lot along the way and I’m scared that I won’t try standing up again because of everything that’s happened so far.
But I can’t keep being this corpse of a person. I want to live a life, I want to find my person and I want to be able to smile and mean it. But I know that I can’t just want stuff and then do nothing about it. I have to willingly go out there and work for what I want. It’s going to be tricky trying to build a whole new persona for myself at 24 but if not now, then when?
*- if you’ve been here before, then you know that I give nicknames to the people in my life because I tend to refer to them multiple times in a variety of posts, and well if you’re new, now you know.