WARNING: The post contains a few dark details of depression, including a very ugly picture of vomiting etc, so proceed with caution and if you’re sensitive to such content, please don’t read it.
Four years ago, I sat down in my room and started drinking one pill after the other. I kept swallowing one after the other, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt stuffy, bloated and nauseated because of all the water I had drunk. And then, I kept waiting. In the midst of this, I got a random text from a friend. I don’t recall the exact words but it was something along the lines of “It doesn’t matter what you do, or who you are, I will always care for you”, and in that moment of loneliness, those words loosened something within my heart. I broke down and tears began streaming down my face. And suddenly I could feel my vision beginning to blur. The darkness I had been waiting for had finally arrived, but I didn’t want it anymore.
I forcefully dragged myself out of the bed despite the fact that I had no energy and all I wanted to do was lie down and close my eyes and melt away. I somehow dragged myself across the bedroom floor, or maybe I crawled, I don’t know, those memories are very hazy in my mind. I finally reached the bathroom & then stuck two fingers down my throat & made myself gag and retch until I began puking. I puked out a bunch of pills. When I could no longer puke, I moved as slowly as one possibly could towards the tap and gargled my mouth, allowing the water to clear away the bitter taste in my mouth.
Then I sat down on the bathroom floor, for how long I don’t know. It felt like eons but I am sure it was only for a few minutes. Finally when I felt like I had some strength, I dragged myself back to the bed and the minute my head touched the pillow, I was out. I don’t know whether I fell asleep or whether I blacked out. But I did end up waking up 12 whole hours later.
After this, three things ended up happening. One, though I fought against the darkness, a part of me ended up being trapped there and I am still battling it, I am still trying to escape, but it keeps pulling me back. Two, I definitely have an aversion to pills and even taking simple things like multivitamins have become tough, because of which I end up missing out my daily dose of meds very, very frequently, which has resulted in further complications of my physical health. Three, this was the beginning of my battle with food and eating in general because after this, pretty much everything I ate, I managed to puke out by forcefully making myself retch.
Everything that has happened in the past four years has left me scarred in so many ways and yet none of those are visible scars. They are all hidden internally within my soul and hence my pain is never seen. And even this whole post, it possibly might be a cry for help, but it is of no use. Because no one will ever read this and even if someone does, out of the kindness of their heart they will leave behind a few motivational words which no matter how much I try to believe and follow will be of no use. But words are of no help anymore. And I cannot help myself anymore either because I just don’t know how to. And obviously no one else will help me either. So this is a very much useless cry of help because my cries are not seen or heard or even if they are, they are always ignored because I am not precious to anyone. I am simply a means of getting whatever they want. That is all I am.