INSIDE MY CRANIUM: Random thoughts [part-4]

I used to write a lot of short stories, I used to make more of an effort to post positive things, I used to not care at all whether or not someone read my posts or not, I used to write so very frequently but most of all, I used to believe in love and hope. I had dreams. But where is that girl now? Where is she? I don’t recognise myself anymore. The imagination is gone. Love and hope is dead. Dreams are broken. I’m merely a shell of a person. There’s no personality whatsoever. There isn’t a single ray of positivity anymore. I’ve buried myself in darkness. I’ve built a home in the heart of depression and I’m not even trying to leave it anymore. I’ve become best friends with misery that I don’t want to leave anymore. What have I become? What have I done to myself? Or should I be asking what has the world done to me?

I’m still living in the past. I know that it’s high time I left it behind and moved on. I know that I need to build new dreams and adapt to the situation I am in. But why is my heart being so stubborn? Why is my soul refusing to let go of the darkness? I just don’t want to be stuck like this anymore. I want to build a new life filled with positivity and productivity. And at the back of my mind I even know that I have all the necessary tools to do so. And yet, here I am, holding myself back instead of making an effort to change things. Why? Why? Why?

Is it because I am so very afraid of the unknown? Is it because I am afraid of failing once again? Is it because I am afraid to end up with shattered dreams once again? Is it because I am afraid to get my heart broken again? Why? Just why? Why are you so damn scared? Or more like what exactly are you afraid of? Why are you letting fear control you? Why are you intentionally sabotaging your own life because of this fear? Just why?

Why are you not acting? Why are you staying curled up in a corner and simply crying? Stop playing the victim and take control of your life. Yes, things have been shitty. Yes, you’ve been broken beyond what you deserve and you never deserved anything that happened to you. But life is unfair. And you’ve cried enough. Now you’re literally ruining your life because of what? You don’t even have a solid reason as to why you are not doing anything. Fear should never be a reason for you to not be doing any work. 

Look at yourself. You managed to stay alive for the past five years despite everything that happened. You did not kill yourself. You kept going and that alone is a huge achievement. Be proud of yourself, but that alone isn’t enough. You need to start doing things. Sitting and praying won’t change anything. Yes, pray for courage and strength but everything else, you have to actively do. So please, stop procrastinating. I know you’re scared, I know you’re frightened but please do something now. And no, it’s not too late. Sacrifice a bit of sleep and you will be back on track. Come on. I believe in you. You can do this. Please. Please. Please. Don’t sabotage things for yourself simply out of fear. Please. 

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