I just posted a mini rant on Instagram about how very tired I am and I guess this is going to be the long version of that. One thing I realized is that I haven’t written in a while, no rantings, no weird poems, nothing at all and that is pretty strange for me. Though I don’t post frequently, I do tend to write something or the other at least two to three times a week, some of which make it to the blog whilst the rest wilt away in some forgotten folder in my laptop.
But for more than a week now I haven’t written a single word and I know it was because I was so very numb. Maybe I am still numb in a way. Last Friday I had a massive breakdown and my heart broke in a very different way. I can say that my heart pretty much cracked into half and I cried so very much and obviously fell asleep at some point after my eyes got all red and puffy. When I woke up the next day, I was pretty much a zombie in that I felt nothing, my heart & mind were completely empty & numb.
I haven’t felt anything for a whole week now apart from pure exhaustion, both physically and mentally. Now there’s obviously good and bad in everything. The advantage of being so very numb is that I don’t have to put myself through any of the negative or miserable emotions and cry my eyes out. But the disadvantage of being so very numb is that the lack of feelings means that there is an absence of not only joy, but also other essential feelings such as motivation, willpower, etc, which basically means I am very much content with lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling for hours and hours. And it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how very terrible that is.
It is at times like this I wonder whether I would be better off as a broken mess since I’m at least feeling something, instead of being this ridiculously exhausted zombie who just walks around or more like forcefully drags herself around. I feel like an empty shell and now it is just borderline frustrating because I want my brain to fire up and feel things, process emotions and just move along, make plans & to-do-lists and just get on with life instead of being stuck in this emotionless rut of fatigue and monotony.
But on the other hand, the whole prospect of regaining all those lost emotions terrifies me because I know so very well that no part of me has processed the crack in my heart yet and the minute I start feeling all the various kinds of emotions, it’s going to trigger another massive breakdown and I truly have no idea whether I will be able to hold myself together or manage to pull out the remnants of my broken heart and piece them together for the hundredth time.
I don’t know. I am just so very tired. So very tired of crying too much, thinking too much, feeling nothing, feeling drained, feeling like a corpse and the list goes on. I am just tired. Somebody sedate me or something. Please.