How is that when it comes to writing I don’t mind spending hours and hours just typing until I get the perfect line or paragraph but when it comes to studying, forget hours, I cannot seem to invest even minutes into it? And it’s frustrating. Because I do want to be productive, I do want to work hard, study well and just get done with all of this as soon as possible. Logically I know that the more I procrastinate, the longer I will have to be stuck here and most of all end up going through a mountain load of stress at the end of the semester, which by the way isn’t that far off. It scares me but I’m also so very numb at the same time.
I just need something, a tiny spark of interest, a sudden passion for medicine, or just an overwhelming urge to study. Just anything that will get me going because at this rate I don’t know where will I end up and I truly don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to and yet I’m not even trying to do anything to improve my situation. Am I just so very lazy? Because surely one cannot hate something or be so disinterested to the point that they subconsciously try to sabotage things for themselves? Or is that what is happening right now? I don’t know. I really don’t know.
There’s just too many thoughts running through my mind in addition to all these physical pains and aches and I just don’t know how to cope with anything anymore. All I envision inside my mind is ripping my hair out, breaking everything around me and just screaming at the top of my lungs until all this grievance within my heart, body & soul escapes. I truly don’t understand why my vexation keeps growing exponentially with every passing day despite the fact that I’m trying so very hard to be positive. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I feel like I’m tethering on the brink of insanity and even a tiny breeze might send me toppling over to the other side. I’m lost. I’m confused. And I’m so very scared.