There is a difference between acknowledging something, confronting it, accepting it for what it is & finally letting it go.
I have indeed acknowledged the pitfalls in my life, I have confronted them too, accepted that this is my fate, but I have never let any of it go. I’ve always held it all way too close to my heart & all this time I kept asking myself as to why I keep falling back into the vicious cycle of self doubt, breakdowns, oceans of misery & picking up the broken shards over and over again about the very same thing. It’s only today that it dawned upon me that though I’ve acknowledged what my issues are and even forgiven the people who caused me pain, I never truly let go of it all. I clung on to the pain, the memories, the tears because deep down in the crevices of my heart, I was playing the victim & letting go of all this meant I had no substance left in me.
I allowed the pain to define me. My identity was formed around the concept of all the broken dreams, abandoned friendships & multiple heartaches. I couldn’t see myself beyond the identity of a broken, hopeless soul. I embraced it and clung on to it. I was afraid that once I let it all go, I would merely be a hollow person without a story.
I am ashamed of myself for clinging on to the pain but I am also proud of myself for finally realising where I went wrong all along. I finally understood why none of the podcasts, motivational vides & books, the little mindfulness exercises, the positive pep talks etc never worked for me or even if they did, it was a very short term effect. It’s because I tried to fill up a space that was already occupied, hence everything just kept falling out.
My heart & soul are filled with hurt, brokenness, and darkness & and I’ve known this for a while now. But instead of cleaning it all out & throwing it away, I clung on to it and I never realised it until now. So trying to pour in a rainbow of positivity in a space that was already full, that was cramped up with so many other negative emotions was obviously not a smart idea. I need to cleanse my heart & purify my soul before I can start filling it up with other stuff. It’s almost like trying to cramp in new books into a bookshelf when it’s already filled with books. Obviously you won’t be able to do that. You need to take out the old books, the ones you no longer need, dust the shelves & then place the new books. That’s how it works with everything. Books, clothes, food, accessories, just everything in general.
So my main focus now should be to take out all those old memories, especially the ones that are hurting me and throw them in the trash. And when I say cleaning your heart or throwing out all the old memories, I am solely referring to all the negative emotions that have built up within me, I’m not referring to a full on cleanse or a memory reset where I basically forget everything good & bad. Just getting rid of all the bad. Maybe “bad” is not the right term because all of this has indeed taught me so much despite breaking me, but now they no longer serve a purpose, so maybe we can label them as “useless”
So here is my goodbye to all those memories, events, people, just anything and everything that’s broken me & that which I never let go of:
“Thank you for happening to me because indeed you taught me a lesson, you served a purpose and you helped me grow into a better person, gain more wisdom & just evolve into someone mature with more life experience. But I formed part of my identity around you when I shouldn’t have. I formed an unhealthy relationship with you and I let you define me, I let you create fears within me and most of all I let you turn my heart and soul so very bitter and I never should have given you so much power. But I did. Now I’ve finally realized the damage I let you do to me and I think it’s time we said goodbye. It’s high time I let you go, get rid of you from my heart & soul and start anew. Goodbye and I hope I never turn back to you ever again.”