I keep telling myself that there is no light without the dark as tears roll down my cheeks. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. I keep telling myself that I will truly appreciate happiness because I’ve been through so much misery. But I can feel it, I can feel that hope slowly withering away. I can feel my heart cracking. I can feel myself being pulled back into that ocean of darkness. I don’t know how many more times I can keep picking myself up because it hurts, it all hurts so very much. Not having anyone in my life to talk to, to open up to & to pour my heart to is really exhausting because these feelings remain bottled up forever & it all just sucks so very much. I don’t know how much longer can I keep going before I give up once and for all.
I was watching a movie today & the female protagonist said something along the lines of “I have only two options: I either run away or I die, because I don’t see any other way to escape from this misery” and this is something I hundred percent relate to. The whole of last year, I was drowning in this dilemma and I couldn’t see myself running away to someplace because I didn’t have anyone to run towards or any place to go to, so I remained fixated on the latter option. I came up with multiple ideas to end my life & even gave myself a deadline to end things for good if nothing changed. But I didn’t end anything & I’m still here. But now I’m questioning myself as to why I didn’t do what I had intended to do back then because now I’m too afraid to take that step since I have a deep rooted fear of God in my heart. So I spent the whole of last month thinking of ways to run away but it’s back to square one because I don’t know where to run off to. I don’t have a job, I don’t have money, I have nothing & there is no way I can randomly run away & just start life anew the way they show in movies. And I care way too much about my parents & I know the damage that will result if I do run away will leave them scarred forever. So I can’t die, I can’t run away, so what do I do now?
I told myself that the right thing to do is to stay, focus & work really, really hard. But here is the thing, staying & focusing is the primary cause of my sorrow. So where does that leave me? I’m just a confused, broken mess.
So the least I deserve right now is at least a morsel of happiness or just any form of goodness that warms my heart & just gives me a reason to keep pushing myself to the next hour, next day, next week and so on. Just anything remotely positive will do. I just want to feel that flicker of warmth in the recesses of my numb heart. Just anything to spark an interest, anything that’ll make me feel like there is goodness in my life and that I can truly be happy someday. Just anything will do. I’m desperately trying to just hang on but I can feel myself slipping away and I really, really don’t want to end back in that deep, dark drain of intense depression because I don’t know how to keep saving myself from it.
And now I don’t even know whether I want to save myself anymore. Maybe I should let myself drown. Maybe I should let myself fail to the point of no rescue. Maybe I should just impulsively jump onto incoming traffic. Maybe. Just maybe. Because I truly am broken & I don’t know how to keep going anymore.