INSIDE MY CRANIUM: All the voices in my head…

Here is everything I know:

  • Everything in my life happens for a reason and whatever happens is meant to happen
  • I have to take control of my life and steer it in the direction I want to
  • I have to take care of both my mental and physical health and do what is best for me, even if it means going at a very slow pace in comparison to everyone else
  • If I want to reach my goals, I have to work really, really hard, even if it means giving up on certain comforts
  • I shouldn’t compare my progress to anyone else’s because we all have our own paces
  • But comparing my life to those who are doing well does motivate me to do better

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Now the issue here is trying to find establish a balance between all of this. But the problem with me is that I tend to fixate on every tiny detail and I genuinely have no clue how to find the balance, how to do everything but also not end up losing my sanity. I just don’t know. 

I want to do good, I want to work hard but on the other hand I can feel my health just deteriorating away. But I cannot keep taking breaks every time my health acts up because my health acts up way too frequently. But I also don’t want it to seem like I am using my health as an excuse to get away from everything because I don’t want to seem weak. But pushing myself to work when I don’t feel good doesn’t achieve any fruitful results anyway. But at what point is it fine for me to stop and rest and at what point is it fine for me to keep pushing myself? I don’t know. I really don’t know. 

All these thoughts in my head are just driving me insane. I know I should just stop thinking and start acting because my brain is never going to shut up. But I’m way behind on everything and I need a plan, I need some order to follow amidst all this chaos. But the minute I pause to formulate a plan, I begin to overthink and panic, which eventually leads to a breakdown. So does this mean I don’t plan and just go with the flow? But at what point do I stop being spontaneous and formulate a routine? 

I don’t know how to take it one day at a time because there is just so much to do and taking it one hour at a time makes me feel like I’m just not doing enough. But doing something is always better than doing nothing. But for how long will I continue doing tiny bits of something instead of finding a way to be efficient and productive? 

I know I am overthinking this and blowing it out of proportion but my brain just won’t shut up. It’s panicking, it’s overworking, it’s overthinking and it’s a chaos up there. 

I tell myself to take one step at a time but for how long will I keep doing that? I have ambitions and if I want them to become a reality and not just remain a dream forever, I know that I need to plan, stick to a routine and work really hard because one step at a time will only get me to temporary destinations. It hasn’t helped me achieve anything in the past few years. Yes, it’s helped me survive but I don’t want to keep surviving anymore. I want to live but I don’t know how to live. I want to do things but I don’t know how. 

I just want to be able to figure things out without breaking into a panic. I want to be able to think but in the right amount and not overthink. I want to be able to work hard but also take care of both my mental and physical health. I want to dream big and work hard for it, but I also want those dreams to be purely for the sake of my joy and not for any other purpose. I want to do so many things but I don’t know how or where to start. 

I want to have a strong resolve. I want to have a strong sense of willpower. I want to have a dedicated work ethic. I want to be well oriented and organized. I want so many things but the issue here is that I don’t know where to start or how to establish a balance between all the contradictory elements in my life. 

I just want my brain to shut up for a few minutes so that I can pick one thought at a time. 

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