I was going through my old Tumblr account and salvaging a few of the good pieces I had written back then, some of which I’ve actually started to post in this blog. One thing I realized whilst going through posts from five years ago is that I mostly remember the rosy bits, the good bits and I have very little recollections of the painful or lonely daily moments. Of course I remember the major painful events but the general sense of loneliness which is something I feel on a daily basis these days, is something I used to feel back then too, those posts are proof that I did, but I have no recollection of that whatsoever because in my head I’ve convinced myself that back then I was truly happy and never felt lonely.
But looking back now, as I read through those paragraphs, I realized that though things are different now, different country, different set of people, different everyday dilemmas, but some things are still the same. In my head I always thought that back then, being surrounded by friends that I wouldn’t have felt lonely, but now when I read those words, I understood that it doesn’t matter whether I am surrounded by friends or I have no friends, if I’m lonely, I am lonely and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
Loneliness is something we have to tackle by ourselves. It’s not something we can ignore or try to push away by surrounding ourselves with more and more people. It’s a feeling that takes root in your heart and if your heart is not satisfied or happy with the person you, with the way you carry yourself, with the way you treat yourself, that loneliness will only grow bigger and bigger, regardless of the way things change around you, regardless of the fact whether you have good friends or not. It is a sensation that you have to handle by yourself because it goes away only when you’re truly satisfied with the type of person you are.
For instance, if you are someone who hides your true self and portray a different face to the world, you will be lonely when you are all by yourself, in your true form, because you know that no one knows the real you, that you go to extreme lengths to hide who you truly are, that you suppress what you really think and feel just to maybe fit in. Now I am not saying that we all go out there and expose our vulnerabilities and bare our raw souls for the world to see. But most of us, including myself, when we step into the outside world, when we step out of the confines of the comforts of our homes, we transform into different individuals; we don’t truly express ourselves and there are a multitude of reasons for this. But at the end of the day, when we return to our homes, no one ever truly knows even a fraction of who we are and this fact that nobody truly recognize us for who we are, makes us sad, makes us feel lonely.
Now I’m not saying that we are responsible for our own loneliness. No, I know very well aware that sometimes the circumstances around us or the humans around us make it tough for us to be who we are. Sometimes they are not accommodating, sometimes they are intimidating, sometimes they make life tough, sometimes they make you feel like an outcast, etc etc etc. I know that majority of the time that loneliness takes root in our mind and soul because of the environment around us. I know that and I know it sucks. But sometimes, in some situations, we create that loneliness within our hearts by alienating ourselves from those who truly do want to reach out to us. Again I am aware that there might past issues, trauma, trust issues and many other that make us push people away. But at some point, we all have to take that blind leap of faith if we want things to change.