INSIDE MY CRANIUM: It’s just the second week…

It’s just the second week. It’s barely day 10. It’s 5:30AM.

Approximately there’s around 135 days per semester. And yet, here I am, drained & exhausted even before day 10. I already feel like I’m lagging behind. In my head, I want to be productive, I want to keep up, I don’t want to procrastinate. But physically I am so very frazzled that I’m literally unable to bring myself to go sit down at the table & do some work. No, my body simply wants to stay in bed, curled up under the duvet, hoping that staying in bed would actually ease all the joint and muscle pains. But that’s the thing, staying in bed really doesn’t help me relax, both physically and mentally.

By now, I should be used to my chronic physical pains, but sadly I’m not. Standing for a few hours longer than normal or walking a few extra steps, pushes me into a realm of excruciating pain and there is nothing I can do about it. Painkillers don’t help anymore and it’s not like I can survive on painkillers every single day. My only option is to rest and rest. But I don’t have the time to rest. I have so much work piling up. I’m a fourth year medical student now. There is no time for rest. One subject after the other keeps on piling up on my desk. But all I do is look at that desk whilst curled up on my bed and stress out about it. Freak out about it. To the point where now there is this annoying buzz inside my head and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

It’s frustrating. It’s just so very disheartening because this semester I wanted to give it my best shot since my previous semester was a disaster. I wanted to show up to every class and lecture. I wanted to come back home and work as much as I possibly could. But it’s all turning out to be a disaster. It’s been barely ten days and I’ve missed out one whole day. I’ve done no work whatsoever. All I’ve done so far whenever I return to my apartment is simply flop down on my bed & tell myself that I’ll stay for one hour, just one hour. But it’s never one hour. One becomes two. And the next thing I know I’m falling asleep at 8PM and I’ve done no work whatsoever. A whole day wasted. So I wake up disgruntled and annoyed the next day due to the failure of the previous night. And that ruins my whole day. Thus, the vicious cycle of bad mood continues.

Yes, I know about being positive and trying again and all of that. But right now, there is this voice or more like multiple voices inside my head, buzzing away, annoying me, making me want to scream and punch something. I don’t know whether it’s my anxiety acting up or whether this is a variant of my depression. I don’t know. But it’s frustrating. It’s annoying. It’s so discouraging. And I hate it. I hate it so much. Because all I’m doing is trying and trying and yet I’m going nowhere. I’m stuck in the same diabolical cycle that’s taking me nowhere good and rather pushing me back down into the deep, dark drain of misery.

Apologies for such a negative rant. But I had to get these words out of my head, out of my mind because I was hoping that penning down my thoughts might help.

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