We all have developed feelings for someone at some point in our lives. At times, it’s simply a crush, at times it’s more than a crush. Regardless of the intensity of our feelings, not all the people we develop feelings for are meant for us, or are the right ones. Sometimes we fall for the wrong ones and it could be due to a multitude of reasons; loneliness, desperation, time is running out, the other person portrays themselves as someone they are not, we fool ourselves into believing that a mere attachment is an actual feelings, etc, etc, etc.
This has happened to me too. Not once, but twice. The first time it happened, I clung on to it, I let it grow from a crush to a proper love despite knowing that I shouldn’t and for years I didn’t even try to let it go and move on. Why? Simply because it was my first time ever having feelings for someone and at the back of my mind, I always thought that there was no one more perfect than this particular individual and that I would never be able to love anyone else the way I loved this human. The heartbreak was intense and I lived in that abyss of sorrow for a long, long, long time and I never let myself look elsewhere.
Years later, as I gained more wisdom, I realized that those feelings were very toxic and they were harming me, which meant that I needed to move on. And also because I truly apprehended the fact that no one is perfect, no human is ever going to be perfect and this particular human that I had harbored such intense feelings for so many years was definitely nowhere close to being perfect.
Then of course I developed a few crushes on few other individuals and none too intense. They’d last a few weeks or so and it was all well forgotten with time.
Then came the second moment when I developed feelings for someone who isn’t exactly suitable for me. Now there was nothing wrong with this individual. This person was a lovely human being with the standard set of flaws that we all possess and was a really good friend. At the point I developed feelings for this individual, I was in a very bad state of mind and this person gave me lots of attention and when I realized the existence of these feelings, I genuinely questioned myself as to whether it was because of that attention that I thought I liked this human.
But no, it wasn’t because of the care or attention that I developed feelings for this person. It only dawned upon me yesterday as to why I truly convinced myself that I like this human. I mean I did have a crush, because that’s normal. You develop a liking for anyone that is nice to you because let’s be honest, niceness is becoming a rarity in today’s world. But I realized that one of the reasons I told myself that there is a future for this crush was because I was alone.
No, not lonely, just alone. I am living in a place where I don’t have friends and the only friends I truly love and cherish are living a hundred miles away from me, one of whom is this person that I had a crush on. The whole thing of just not having anyone to talk to or talk about whilst everyone else was going on about their friendships and relationships, kind of triggered this desperation within me. I started to fear that what if I am the only one left whilst all of them end up in relationships or get married or whatever it is and my brain genuinely just went into this frenzy mode where it just kept conjuring up scenarios about how everyone I have ever liked will end up in relationships and I will be left alone.
So at that point, my brain made me truly believe that this crush I had on this person, was something I had to act on, if not I will be single. I would simply label it as an act of desperation because at that point, I was a month away from turning 23 and I had been single all my life and it sucked. I just wanted to get in with the crowd and say that hey, you know what, even I am in a relationship.
Well in retrospect, I am so very glad that nothing came out from that because with time, my crush just faded away, like every other crush I have ever had. The reason I say that I am glad that it didn’t work out is not because I am not ready for a relationship, but rather because this person and I are most definitely not compatible to be in a relationship. Our personalities and views are very contrasting, but this human’s personality is definitely not what I am looking for. And out of fear and desperation, I almost settled for something I don’t want but convinced myself that I need in order to just not be single.
I have compromised and settled for a lot in my life and one thing I have always told myself is that I would never settle when it comes to a relationship because that will be an integral part of my life and I don’t want it to be a compromise or adjustment of any sort. It shouldn’t be something I simply settle for. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want the best for myself. I deserve it. But of course in the race of life and with tiring life experiences and a million mental breakdowns, I forgot this somewhere along the lines, which is what led me to believe that I should just settle for someone instead of waiting because just why not, how much longer should I stay single.
Bottom-line is that we shouldn’t settle simply because of the fear that if we let go of this, we won’t get another opportunity. We need to accept something only if we truly believe that it is the best for us. It is completely pointless to simply settle for something and end up being miserable and constantly question yourself as to whether you made the right choice. Have patience, because when the right person comes alone, you won’t question yourself, you won’t doubt whether your feelings are genuine or not, you will simply know because it will feel right. I know it sounds cliche and especially coming from someone who is single and has been single all her life. But this is what I truly believe and I need to remember this and stick to it, even if it means that I will end up being single for the next ten years or so. Because in the end. being alone is so much better than being miserable.