Every time something is going well or I’m doing fine or I’m at the top of my work, it’s like my brain senses it and activates this “self-destruct” option, and in the last minute, I end up ruining everything for myself.
For instance, tomorrow I have an exam. I definitely wasn’t at the top of my game but I managed to catch up by today morning. Now if I had continued according to the plan, then I would have done whatever work needed to be done by this point according to the schedule I created. But no. I jinxed myself and currently I am stressing out so much that I cannot even think straight and I am way behind this schedule. Does this mean I am going to stop procrastinating and go work now? I don’t know. I know that I should but my brain is panicking so much that I genuinely cannot focus on anything.
Is this the first time this has happened? No. This is the fourth time during this month itself that it’s happened and it is insane. Like why can’t my brain just understand that I need to stay on track and not procrastinate, especially when everything is coming together because by putting things off, I am literally sabotaging things for myself and rendering all that hard work useless.
I really need to stop doing this. This is literally what ends up ruining everything for me because I work really hard and then due to my brain panicking and the last minute procrastination, I never complete any task. I always leave it at 90% or 95% and every single time, it is that leftover percentage that is looked at and questioned about. The rest of my hard work is rendered invalid and I know, I know that it is solely my fault because if I had continued to push myself to do the remaining 5 or 10% of work, then it would have been fine.
See, logically I know all of this and yet my stupid brain always messes up. I don’t know whether it is some kind of underlying fear or whether this is just me panicking. I don’t know. I really don’t. But what I do know is that I need to stop this because it’s ruining things for me. I work hard and I really want to be rewarded for this hard work. I don’t want it all wasted because I failed to do the last bit of work. I really just need to figure out a way to stop with this last minute procrastination because it’s just not right.