INSIDE MY CRANIUM: Finding joy

There are some things that we have always known, that we have always heard of, that we have always preached about, but sometimes some of us don’t tend to actually implement it in our lives. There definitely is a huge difference between knowing something and actually implementing it in your daily life.

One thing I have known for a long time and written about on multiple occasions is that I am responsible for my own happiness. But have I actually believed it or tried to implement it in my life or even tried to do anything about it? Honestly, no. I always say it, to myself, to other people, on different social media platforms, but never have I ever truly tried to act on it. 

I have always left my happiness in other’s hands. Sometimes it was up to my parents to find that joy in my life, sometimes it was my sisters, sometimes it was my bestie, sometimes it was someone I befriended, but every single time, it has been someone else. I have never truly taken responsibility for my own happiness and that explains why I have always felt miserable. 

I had left my happiness in other people’s hands, which meant that I always had different expectations from all of them, be it big or small, and we all know that expectations almost always leads to disappointment, and in my case it meant dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and heartbreak. I could never truly find a sense of joy because I was waiting for someone else to hand it over to me. I was waiting for someone else to create it for me. I was waiting for someone else to define the parameters of what happiness was and to what extent I deserved it and how much and how long I was allowed to experience it for. Which automatically meant that every time someone walked out of my life, a source of delight was gone from my life. Hence, the unending sense of doom.

Not to jinx myself, but for the past two weeks, I have managed to find a sense of inner peace and I believe that is due to a multitude of reasons. One, I haven’t had too much contact with other humans due to the fact that it is currently exam season and hence no need for me to be at uni every single day and also because I have cut myself off from all the different social media platforms like Instagram, Snapchat, etc. Two, whilst being stuck inside my apartment, I definitely did have breakdowns about not having anyone to talk to, but at the same time I managed to pick myself up post those breakdowns without rambling to friends or needing someone to say something nice and that is when it truly hit me that I am sufficient for myself. Three, it’s exam season and I am madly stressed with so much to study, and yet somehow I figured out how my brain works and what sort of schedule I need in order for my brain to work efficiently and that alone has made things so much easier, since now I don’t have to overburden myself with sleepless nights or too much caffeine and junk food to keep myself awake or anything unhealthy of that sort. Four, I have suddenly realized the importance of taking care of myself, my mind, my soul, and my body, and that has made me love certain things about myself, my appearance and I truly believe that this a is huge first step in my very long journey of loving myself. Five, I truly, truly, apprehended the fact that I am loved, even if it’s not by the so called friends around me who use me, or by anyone else who talk to me only when they’re bored or need something, I am still loved very much by my family and that itself is a huge blessing and it alone is sufficient because I’m so very lucky to at least have a family who loves me, yes, they’re not perfect, but they still love me, and for that I am truly grateful because there are so many out there who don’t have this blessing. 

These five points are just a few things I have realized in the past two weeks. They have always been in my life. It’s not something new. I didn’t find them overnight. They have always been around, it’s just that I never truly acknowledged the value of any of this. Now that I have actually opened my eyes and mind and looked around and comprehended what I truly have been blessed with, I now realize that I have always had the resources and tools I need to create my own happiness. I have simply been searching for it in all the wrong places or more precisely, been seeking for something that I have within me from external sources. 

This mere realization that I don’t need anyone else to determine my feelings has truly been liberating. It’s something so so so very simple. It’s something we all know deep down in the recesses of our minds and souls. But it’s not something we frequently reflect upon. For twenty three whole years, all this has always been inside me, has always been within my reach, but it took me so long to discover what I needed because I was always emotionally dependent on others, regardless of whether it was for my happiness, misery, success, it didn’t matter what it was, because I always looked for all of it in someone else. 

I never believed in myself, I never loved myself, I never understood myself, I never helped myself, I never took care of myself, I never gave time for myself. I always gave everything I have, my faith, my love, my kindness, my strength to everyone else. I kept giving and giving until I reached the point where I was an empty vessel with nothing other than darkness and sadness left inside, and this negativity was the only thing I gave to myself. I turned 23, I stopped for a minute, took a deep breath, and gave everything that I used to give others to myself over the span of two weeks, and in doing so, I have observed a massive difference in the quality of my life. 

Love, care, trust & kindness, four simple elements of life, which I decided to treat myself with and honestly, it’s the best gift I have ever given myself. 

~ Azraa ❤

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