I still think of you…


It’s been ages since I last read something you wrote
When I say ages, I mean years
Maybe four or five
It’s been so long that I actually forgot what your blog was called
I had to scroll through a lot on my old tumblr account to find something
That’s how long it’s been since I last cared enough to read something you wrote
I don’t know why do I do this to myself
I have kicked you completely out of my life
i don’t talk to you anymore
I stopped texting you 
I haven’t seen you in more than three years
I have blocked you on all kinds of social media
Yet something within me keeps dragging me right back to you
I still think of you
I occasionally check your social media accounts
I don’t know whether I do this because I miss you
Or because I still care for you and want to know that you’re doing well
You’re no longer the person I knew once upon a time
You’re no longer the person I used to care for
You’re no longer the one I loved
So why
Why did I have to torment myself by going back in time and reading your blog
Why did I have to break my heart all over again just when my other scars were beginning to heal
Why did I do this to myself
I don’t know
I honestly don’t know
It’s like there is this unnamed force that just keeps dragging me back to you
Regardless of how hard I try to ignore you
To forget you
To just move on with my life
But truth is I ended up on that blog
And read something you posted ages ago
During a time when my heart belonged to you
And realizing it all over again that I never meant anything to you
It’s just saddening
It’s just miserable
You meant everything to me back then
To the point that I would have taken a bullet for you without a moment’s hesitation
But back then
Your heart belonged to her
And after reading that post
I now realize that you would have taken a bullet for her without a moment’s hesitation
Because while you were perfect to me
She was perfect to you
In the end we both got our hearts broken
Me by you
You by her
But at least you have memories with her
Moments with her
And I have nothing except for that one fleeting moment 
Which I cherished dearly for years and years
Which stopped me from moving on
Which hurt me constantly
So when I do think about it
One moment hurt me so much
And you must have hundreds of such memories with her
I cannot even imagine how much it would have hurt you
How much it must have deterred you from moving on
We were both hurting
And I admit that I failed to see that
Because all I could see was my own pain
And also because you never told me about her
Because you just decided to alienate me for no good reason
So whatever I know about her, about your pain, about everything is only through this post
That some unnamed force in this universe made me go read
And now all that pain I buried years ago 
Feels so very fresh in my memory
I don’t know why do I keep hurting myself constantly 
I don’t know why you have such a powerful hold over me
I don’t know
But I just wanted to say
I’m sorry
I’m sorry for failing to see your pain
I’m sorry that I cared only about my pain
I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder to be a better friend
And I hope that you’re fine now
I hope that you’re doing okay
And I hope that you’ve found your happiness
Because regardless of wherever I am
And wherever you are
I will always wish you the best

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