I will be honest. Every single moment, every single day, every single week that passes by where I don’t hear from you, my heart sinks further and further, down a drain of mixed feelings. Now I’m saying mixed feelings because I don’t know what to call it.
A part of me does wait to hear from you and with every passing day that I don’t, that part ends up being disappointed. Another part of me truly does not care whether you text me or call me because that part is the part that has been hurt before, that has been broken before, so that part has no attachment to you whatsoever. A different part of me is hopeful, is optimistic, is trusting and when I don’t hear from you, that part gets hurt, that part sheds a tear or two, that part gets upset. Then there is another fraction which is very wary and alert about the extent of attachment and tries to convince me to maintain my distance but also to not alienate you. The next part is the one that likes you, is the one that wants to keep texting you, is the one that gets worried due to the radio silence, is the one that truly cares for you and when you ignore me, this part gets mad, gets furious, gets annoyed, this part feels everything and is just conflicted about my worth in your life.
I can keep going on and on and on about all these different parts within me that are experiencing a variety of emotions and thoughts when it comes to you. Simply put, it is a concoction of a wide spectrum of contrasting emotions and I truly don’t know what to do with them. But the thing is, regardless of whatever the emotion is, you are always on my mind and that is worrisome because this means that the part of me which is attached to you is beginning to dominate over the rest and I don’t want that. Right now, though all my emotions are mixed, they are well balanced and they don’t interrupt with my daily life or my sanity. But the moment one of them becomes dominant, that’s when I will begin to feel strongly, either against you or for you. And I really don’t want that.