INSIDE MY CRANIUM: Bubble of melancholy

When you’re hurting so much, you end up hurting everyone around you as well. And you never stop and think, even for a moment, as to how unfair it is to others around you. They may or may not have contributed to your pain, but that doesn’t mean that you should just go around spilling all that pain, anger & hatred boiling within you onto others. That’s not fair. That just isn’t.

All this time I have been spilling all that pain and hatred within me on to a few people around me and I never realized it. Yes, at a certain stage they did contribute majorly to my current plight. But that is in the past and every single one of us have made mistakes. That’s why we are human, because we make mistakes. But I held on to that, I clung on to that and along with putting myself through so much misery and suffering, unknowingly I made them suffer as well. 

I kept thinking that I was the only one hurting but during the whole process of throwing tantrums and expressing my pain, I made them feel guilty, I made them feel miserable, I made them suffer as well and never did I realize what I was doing. I was so engrossed in my own anguish that I didn’t stop and look at what I was doing to the people who loved me, who cared for me and who wronged me so many years ago only because they were ignorant of so many things and they thought that they were doing the right thing. They made a huge blunder and they realized the magnitude of that only when I started to express all that bottled up anger, hatred, and heartache. But I did not stop there. 

I started living inside a bubble of melancholy and I saw only and only my grief. But what I didn’t realize is that the minute I stepped into that bubble and the minute I decided to centre my life around this anguish, I created a bubble of sadness for them as well. The sad thing is that it has taken me more than two years to actually comprehend what I have done. 

Now every single day I keep trying to live, even if it is just for a few minutes outside this negative bubble, I keep trying to create something new for myself, something a bit more positive. And maybe someday down the road, I might end up creating a bubble of peace or a bubble of joy or a bubble of serenity. I don’t know. But what scares me is the fact that I don’t know how to undo the damage I have caused to the ones around me. I don’t know how to mend the broken hearts that I have unintentionally broken. I don’t know how to make them step out of their bubbles. And that is terrifying. Would it be possible for me to spread even the tiniest fraction of positivity that I feel in the same manner I did so with all of those negative emotions? 

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