INSIDE MY CRANIUM: In hindsight…

There are some things in life that I have tried really really hard to avoid. I have intentionally ruined certain things for myself just to avoid ending up in a certain place. Why? Simply because that was not what I wanted. I worked really hard on avoiding and sabotaging things just to avoid ending up in this certain place. Looking back now, I realized two things. 

One, what is meant to be is meant to be. You could fight against the entire universe, but if it is meant to happen, it will happen. Sometimes it’s not bad, sometimes it is not good, but every single time whenever you end in a place where you just didn’t want to be, it’s because there is something in that place meant for you. A lesson to learn, a life experience to gain, a memory to create. It could be anything. But if you end up in a place despite resisting really hard, know that few weeks, months, or years down the road, you will realize that you gleaned something very crucial from the whole situation.

Two, instead of investing all that negative energy into resisting what I don’t want, what if I had worked equally as hard to try to gain what I want. All I did was say no, push back, fight against it. At the same time, if I had spoken up, insisted on what I wanted, tried to pursue my dreams with the utmost sincerity, then maybe today I would be somewhere else. 

Yes, I know I did say that whatever happens is meant to be. But I will never know whether this is my fate or because I just didn’t try hard enough to follow my dreams. Yes, I cried, I protested, I did a lot of stuff, but it was all just to say that “I don’t want to do this particular thing”. There wasn’t any justification as to why I didn’t want to do this, there wasn’t a back up plan. I didn’t have any ideas, I didn’t know anything. I was lost but I still kept rebelling against something simply because I didn’t want to do it.

Now I’m not saying I was wrong. I wasn’t. I still stand by the fact that it was very much wrong of certain individuals to force me to do something that I didn’t want to do. But now in hindsight I realize that they forced me to do this only because I didn’t give them any other options, I didn’t tell them that this particular thing is what I want to do. They just assumed that I didn’t have a plan for my life and though I did have certain ideas, I never spoke up, I never insisted that this is what I want. Basically, due to a major lack of understanding on their part and on mine, I am where I am today. 

There is nothing I can do to change the past. But few major things that I have learned are that one, I should insist on what I want rather than emphasizing on what I don’t want; two, sabotaging things for myself thinking that it will hinder everything that’s happening is the stupidest thing I have ever done, because at the end of the day I was the one who ended up hurting the most; three, if everything around me keeps pushing me towards a particular direction which I don’t like, yet everything magically keeps working out only in that direction, I need to give it a sincere shot, because I’m not going to lose anything, especially considering the fact that everything else in my life is falling apart anyway; four, to stop doing things out of spite & stubbornness, because again in the long run I’m the only one who ends up losing; five, to not rush into anything, to have patience, and to make every decision after contemplating every aspect of that situation; and lastly, to trust myself and believe in the way this universe works because in the end, I am definitely going to be fine. 

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