On one hand I feel like I have been way too focused only on my emotions and my pain and maybe I should start looking at other’s pains and feelings and thoughts and maybe that might help me forget my own issues and maybe even appreciate everything and most of all, maybe helping others will make me feel better. But on the other hand, even when it comes to small issues like talking to a friend who is stressed in order to help them calm down, ends up stressing me out, even the thought of it begins to drain me and I start feeling confused and lost and most of all, completely helpless and I hate that because I genuinely do want to be of help.
So that leaves me with only one conclusion: helping others might be the solution but I’m definitely not ready for it yet. I still have a lot of issues that I need to face head on and handle before I can get around to lending a listening ear and helping someone find solutions even to the easiest of the issues out there. It feels selfish because I’m not used to simply focusing on myself alone, because I’m not used to prioritising myself, but somewhere deep down, this feels right. It feels important. I know that healing myself should be my number one priority because if not, I can never be of help to anyone. But if I push everyone away now and simply focus on myself and heal myself, or at least begin the journey of healing and rediscovery, then I know that maybe few days, weeks or months down the road I can get back to helping others, to listening to others and just being a decent friend.
I know that this poses a major risk of me alienating myself and maybe even losing all the friends that I have. But I am a true believer of the saying that if something is meant to be, then it will be, so if someone is meant to stay in my life because they truly love me and understand me, then they definitely will apprehend the fact that I need time for myself and will wait for me to get back on track. If they leave, then I guess they never truly understood me or even considered me worthy enough to wait around for me. Now these aren’t facts that I’ve suddenly discovered overnight. Oh no. These are facts that I have always known, but just never truly acknowledged any of it.