INSIDE MY CRANIUM: Random thoughts…

There is this huge storm of conflict brewing inside my soul and I have no idea what am I going to do when it will hit me with it’s full force because I don’t have anymore energy left inside me for another battle. I just don’t have the energy for that. 

Somebody please tell me what to do for I have no idea what the hell am I doing with my life. I don’t whether I am doing the right thing. I don’ know whether to stay and be patient or to just leave. I don’t know. I just don’t. I am lost and confused and hate this feeling. 

What do I even want from this life? What are my life goals? WHat are my ambitions? Actually a better question is where did all those ambitions and goals and passions I had once upon a long time ago disappear? Where did all my dreams and hopes go? When and how did I turn into this lifeless zombie with no dreams or passions? What became to that lively, vibrat girl I used to be? Where did she go? And who am I now? What do I like? What do I want? I don’t know. I just don’t. 

I hate this. I hate how I feel too much at times and then feel nothing at other times. I hate that I cannot focus on anything positive. I hate that my mind can focus and see only the negatives in my life. I hate that I am someone who cannot have friends. I hate that I am so lonely. I hate myself. But I don’t want to be filled with so much hatred. Yet, I don’t know how to change things, I don’t know how to love myself or love my life. I don’t know how to embrace my weird self and not give a damn about other people or about the fact that I am a lone wolf. I don’t know. I just don’t. 

I hate that I am so sensitive. I hate my depression. I hate that I am so pathetic. I hate a lot of things. And I just want to stop hating everything so much. But I don’t know how to. I just don’t. 

I want to figure out things. I want to stop putting myself through the same cycle of emotions over and over again. I want to stop having breakdowns every other day. I want to stop spending my evenings curled up on the floor next to a pool of my tears. I want to fill my life with joy. I want to be organised and productive. I want to make something out of my life. But I just don’t know how. I don’t know where to start from. I don’t know how to start. I just don’t know. 

I want to be independent. I want to be happy. I want to be successful. I want to be able to love myself. I want to embrace my flaws. I want to be my true self without being ashamed of myself. I want to not feel lonely. I want to be positive. I want to productive. I want to be able to be my true self, to be comfortable in own skin, and to find joy and peace. But I don’t know how. 


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