INSIDE MY CRANIUM: RECAP OF 2018

[Note: Pardon any typos / grammatical errors in the following text. I simply couldn’t bring myself to proofread this…]

It’s been such an eventful year, and majority of it were just tragedies and painful experiences. But yes, there were some good moments here and there, which is probably why I managed to survive. If it weren’t for those little moments of joy, I highly doubt I would have made it so far. 

January; the very beginning of every year. On the first of January, I chopped off my hair by myself. Some friends have joked that I had my “Britney” moment. Maybe I did. I still don’t know what made me do what I did. I remember that it was late in the evening and I was meant to be studying, but I just couldn’t bring myself to focus and I had given up and gone to bed. Whilst binge watching some random tv series, I felt this strong urge to chop off my long locks of hair. Now when I say long, I mean really long hair that went down to my thighs. I remember walking into the kitchen and just chopping off that one big braid of hair. It went from super long to super short in the span of a few seconds. Do I regret doing that? Nope. 

February; the so called month of love. It was a month of horror for me. In case I haven’t mentioned this before, I am deathly afraid of dogs. And by this I mean those large stray dogs who look at you with hungry eyes, and howl/bark super loudly and start following you on the streets. And as luck would have it, one such dog attacked me. It jumped onto me and luckily, I managed to escape physically unscathed, thanks to the random stranger who came in time and shooed away the dog. But mentally I was scarred for life. It contributed further to my already existent fear. And where I live, I have to walk by a bunch of stray dogs on a daily basis to get to places. But since that day, stepping out of my apartment and walking past the dogs has become a task that I am deathly afraid of and it sucks. It sucks so much because in addition to my anxiety which makes life super tough already, I now live in a state of constant fear every time I step out of my house.

March; the beginning of spring. Except this year, it brought the worst snowstorm ever and I hated it so much. I have hyper sensitive fingers and toes which literally turn blue when it’s cold, even if I’m indoors and nestled next to a heater. So imagine what happens when I am outside and have to walk through all that snow to get to places. because I go to an absolutely ridiculous university which refuses to cancel lectures and classes, even if there is snow piled up to the knees, with more snow falling straight on to your face, making it impossible to see what’s ahead of you. More than wading through all that snow and ice during extremely poor visibility conditions, it was the excruciating pain my toes and fingers that made that snowstorm a horrifying experience. Despite wearing three pairs of socks, literally two minutes after stepping out of my house, I was convinced that my toes had fallen off inside my shoes because I was in so much pain that I began crying in the middle of the street. It was a terrible month, filled with way too much snow, causing pain that has made me despise winters, a season I used to love once upon a time. 

April; the month with the nice weather. And thankfully it was. I had my first travel experience with a friend, though it was still within the country. Went on a six-hours long train journey to a beautiful place. The whole journey was tainted with this said friend’s constant complaining, but it was still a beautiful experience, though I am never ever going to go anywhere with this friend ever again.

May; the beginning of summer. Though in my case it brought along a horrifyingly scary tornado, that destroyed a few people’s houses and uprooted almost all the trees in the town. It was a very short lived tornado, but it was scary as hell to watch it all happen. But thankfully I was indoors whilst hail stones poured from the skies and leaves with many random things flew past my windows, with the occasional few items crashing into my window as well. The electricity just went off and I was just terrified. But it ended just as abruptly as it started. 

June & July ; the peak summer months. In my case it was filled with exams and so much of stress. But thankfully the sleepless nights eventually came to an end and I flew back home for summer holidays. 

August; the best month so far. And it’s only and only because of one particular day, which was filled with peace and joy. I went to the beach with my bestie and it was the most relaxed I had ever been and probably the only happy day I have had this entire year.

September; the so called beginning of fall. Well yeah, you guessed it right. It wasn’t fall yet. It was still summer. And it wasn’t nice. I fell sick as soon as I returned to uni. I had to run around doing some official boring documentation stuff. But the highlight or more like the nightmare of this particular month was when a friend and I almost got physically harassed by a bunch of guys. She and I had gone for a stroll at around 7pm and we both love swings. So when we came across a park, we obviously went in and sat on the swings, whilst discussing real life issues. It was a moment of de-stressing, which didn’t last for long because very shortly it was interrupted by a bunch of rowdy looking guys, one of whom was infatuated with this friend, who by the way is extremely pretty. He sent his friends into the park and he wanted them to convince her to sleep with him. After a repeated series of yelling “no”, they left. But that wasn’t the end. The next day this guy returned again. That’s when things got intense as he tried to kiss her and when she said no, he thought he could try to kiss me. I thank all the lucky stars for the existence of this guy’s other friend who was standing outside the park. The friend was a sensible guy who started yelling at this lunatic guy when he tried to kiss us and eventually dragged him away. Yup, we never went back to that park since then.

October; supposed to be fall, but it was still burning hot. I’m too tired to type the details. But in short, earthquake. It happened during the night, I woke up, felt and saw everything shaking, was too exhausted, so just went back to sleep. Next day I realized that I hadn’t been hallucinating. 

November; winter is coming. Except was already here. We literally from burning hot summer to freezing cold winter overnight. Also the month when I had my very first out of the country travel experience and in all honesty, I loved it so much. It only reinforced what I already knew : I love traveling.

December; the end of the year. More precisely the end of a horrible, horrible year. Had a breakdown every single day in the first week. Thankfully I flew back home for the last two weeks, though I did have to travel with all my books since my exams will be starting very very soon. But of course right before flying back home, I had a very tiny incident. Remember the fear of stray dogs. Yeah well it has reached the point where if I spot a dog, even if it’s in the distance but it is a path that I will have to take, my brain freezes and I panic and I stop thinking straight. Yeah so I was stepping out of a friend’s house and saw a dog in the distance and panicked and literally fell off a step and straight on to the ground. Luckily I was wearing several layers of clothes due to the freezing weather, so I barely grazed my knee and all that. But yea, humpty-dumpty had a great fall. 


Bottomline. I am so very glad that this year is coming to an end. Yes, I do have a few solid good memories. But the painful ones outweigh the good ones. There are so many negative moments and breakdowns that I haven’t mentioned here because there are just so many of them and I wouldn’t even know where to put which breakdown. I just want this year to end and hopefully on a good note, or at least on a neutral note. I don’t think have the capacity to handle any more negativity for a while. 

~Azraa

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