Average. The one thing I have despised all my life is being average. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not aspiring for greatness or anything here. That is not what this is about. No. This is about how I’ve never been in the middle and I don’t like being in the middle. I have never known grey, because I always fluctuate between the extremes, it’s either too happy or too sad, black or white, yes or no. I have never flitted between the two extremes and explored the grey area [refering to life issues and personaliy stuff here] and now I’m not implying that it is a bad thing to do so, or a terrible place to be in. It isn’t. It’s a normal thing. Except that I have never liked being in that grey area and I know that saying this out loud might possibly make me seem like a horribly pompous person. But let’s take a few steps back and let me explain as to why I don’t like being average.
I look very, very average. I am not ugly, I know that. But I am also very much aware that I cannot be labeled beautiful because I am not. And I have always hated this because there is never an appropriate term to describe myself. It hurts when someone calls me ugly but it also feels worse when someone uses the word “nice” on me because we all know that using words like “pretty” or “beautiful” would most definitely be an exaggeration and I definitely don’t want to be lied to. Yeah, I know, you’re wondering so why exactly does this girl want? I don’t want to be in the middle. I don’t want to be average. I don’t want to be Plain Jane, who is neither this or that, but is just in the middle, bland and boring.
So for the past ten years or so, I have gone around harboring this hatred for the word “average” and in all honesty, I never realized why I hated it so much. This is a very much recent discovery on my part. But what I know is that all these years, subconsciously I have been aware of this and hence I have always strived to make myself better in different ways. But almost all of those different ways have never worked out well and with every failure, I felt myself getting more and more alienated from the people surrounding me because I just felt different and I just couldn’t connect with any of them. It’s reached the point where I don’t even bother to try to fit into a situation and just go ahead and introduce myself as the weird one because that is so much easier than trying to fit in and feeling ignored and alienated.
My personality now is most definitely not on the average spectrum. My looks is something that I can never fix but it is something that I have come to accept for what it is and I believe my weird personality makes sure that I’m never close to the average spectrum.
In all honesty, if you asked me why do I hate being average so much, I genuinely wouldn’t have an answer. But what I do know is that being average literally gets you nowhere, because sometimes you are just good at something, but just not good enough for it to be classified as talent. Being average always boils down to you just not being good enough for the next step but you possess sufficient knowledge about this particular thing to not simply discard it and get on with your life. You’re just stuck in the middle, not knowing what to do with this mediocre amount of knowledge or whatever it is you have, and that is just beyond frustrating. Because you’re just average. Average enough to survive. But not good enough for anything more.