INSIDE MY CRANIUM: Bubble of self-hatred

Last week I had a massive mental breakdown and sent a twelve minutes long voice note to my best friend, just blabbering about how much pain I was in and how I just wanted everything to end. She being my bestie, obviously called me back instantly when she heard the whole thing. One of the things that really struck me hard during our conversation was when she told me that I’m living in this bubble, more specifically a bubble of self-hatred. I always knew that I didn’t love myself, but that day, during our conversation, I realized that I actually hate myself with a true passion, which in turn affects a lot of things. Not only do I hate myself for who I am, I also hate myself for how I look, hate my life for what it is, hate everything around me, and well, to put it simply, by hating myself, I’ve also developed a deep rooted hatred for everything life has to offer in general.

Then two to three days later I went on a holiday during the weekend with two of my university friends. Traveling has been something I have always wanted to do. So though I was broken and in pain, physically and mentally, I forced myself to go on this trip, in hopes that something positive will happen or maybe I will just let it all go and forget my pain and enjoy the moments. Overall, the trip was a really good one. But was I happy during any of the moments we had in this lovely journey? Honestly, no. Every single moment, there was always something running in my mind that kept bothering me and in turn just never let me truly enjoy anything. Trust me, I tried so very hard to not overthink anything and just be myself, but I couldn’t, I didn’t feel comfortable enough to be myself, because every single moment I felt like the weird one in the trio, the one that just doesn’t fit in, and they didn’t even say or do anything to make me feel so, it was all my hatred for myself that made me feel so.

I realized the intensity of my self hatred on this trip. We would be walking down the streets, trying to figure out a place to go and I was in charge of finding our way with the help of Google Maps of course, and during every single second, I would fear that I would take a wrong turn or just lead us to the opposite side of where we were meant to be or something of that sort, and just chide myself internally for being such a dumbo who had zero sense of direction. But in reality, those two genuinely wouldn’t have cared if I had taken them down the wrong road or led them elsewhere, because all three of us were new to that place and we were clueless, so obviously getting lost would have been normal. Hell, if it had been one of them in charge of leading the way and we had got lost, I obviously wouldn’t have been mad at them or hated them or even considered them to be dumb. Yet, that is all I kept telling myself because that is how much I despise myself.

Another shining instance of self hatred was during the photo sessions. I mean, come on, we were three girls who had travelled to a beautiful city, of course we were going to have multiple photo sessions at every stop possible. But this is the thing, even in those pictures my lack of confidence was so very obvious. They knew they were pretty and that confidence and lack of self hatred just shone through every picture of theirs. They were happy, their smile was genuine, and all of that gave them this ultimate traveller’s glow in every picture. Then there was me. I would try to put off posing for pics as much as possible because the minute I was standing in front of some beautiful place and I had to pose, I was suddenly aware of all my insecurities and it was very obvious in all those pictures; the unsteady smile, the slacked off posture, the darting eyes. It was all so very obvious and the only reason that I am so very aware of this difference was because of the comparison of the pictures I took on the first day and the last day.

I don’t know what happened on the last day, but I think I stopped trying to be pretty like them. I was and still am not a fan of make up and all I own are an eyeliner and two shades of lipstick. But the first two days, I would keep reapplying them and just trying so hard to keep up with appearances, to look pretty in pictures or to even simply look presentable. On the last day, I stuck to what I was most comfortable with; just the eye liner and didn’t care about how my face looked. I also ended up borrowing a pretty dress from a friend and that did give me a slight confidence boost. But I think the magical moment that did it for me was that during the photo sessions I stopped caring how I looked. I didn’t try to pose differently or smile beautifully or anything. I just smiled and stood the way I knew. I didn’t try to look pretty or compare myself to them. No, by then I had realized that I wasn’t as pretty or elegant as them. I’m this naturally clumsy person who doesn’t like to doll up and that’s what I did on that last day.

After returning, whilst going through the pictures I realized the difference between the first day and the last day. I wasn’t trying too hard to be someone I wasn’t and that made such a difference, as ridiculous as that sounds. I found a few pictures where even I was glowing the way they had been in all of their pictures. Yes, I know that it seems to be a ludicrous thing to be fixated on, but that is the thing you know. These small changes are just not small things. If I implemented this on a bigger scale, I know that it would make a huge change in my daily life, which was the whole point of me overanalyzing the photoshoots. 

These are the basic facts that I’ve realized over the past week since the breakdown: I truly hate myself for who I am and how I look; I care way too much about what other people think though at the same time another part of me really doesn’t want to; I have zero confidence; I don’t trust myself; I have a huge empty void within me and it keeps getting bigger with every passing day and with it I keep losing more and more of myself;  the only person I truly feel comfortable around is when I am with my best friend and literally around everyone else I am wearing some kind of a mask; I am very much insecure; I keep thinking of death but again at the same time I also keep dreaming of an alternate life where I am everything that I want to be; I kept thinking that maybe I need more friends or a relationship to feel loved but now I have realized that I need to love myself before any other human loves me.

Now that I have realized that the root of all my sorrows is the bubble of self hatred I am living in, I just don’t know what to do next. Or more like where to start. I know that I need to learn to love myself, discover who I truly am, gain some confidence, stop overthinking and etc etc etc. But the issue here is that I truly have no clue whatsoever as to how to achieve any of this. I just don’t know. Because even now, every single day when I wake up, there is this cloud of bleakness surrounding me and I know that cloud is my depression which is not something I can chase away overnight. I know my problem. I know what I need to do. The only issue here is I don’t know how to get around to tackling all of this. 

~Azraa♥

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