INSIDE MY CRANIUM: Saturday is my day

One of the things I started doing recently is pay more attention to my surroundings & in one such moment, I discovered something wonderful, something that has always been in my life but I’ve never appreciated it because I’ve never taken a moment to stop & take a look around me.

It’s nothing major & yet it makes me smile like a fool. I noticed this three weeks ago. It was on a Saturday morning, roughly around 7am & I was sitting on my bed, holding my mug of coffee & the sun hadn’t completely risen yet, so there was still a bit of darkness left. In that moment, it was just me and my coffee, surrounded by silence & enough light & it felt so serene. Words cannot explain what I felt in that moment. I felt eternally grateful to God for having blessed me with enough to be able to sit & enjoy that moment, I felt so very alive, I felt so peaceful & it just made me happy that I was alive, I was blessed & I was very much grateful.

From then onwards, Saturday became my own personal day. It’s not for work, not for friends, it’s a whole day just for myself. Most of all, I began looking forward to Saturdays, solely to experience this particular moment of serenity. It’s not like I sit for hours & ponder & reflect upon life and its meaning or anything of that sort. It’s only five minutes. It’s almost like a five minutes long session of meditation, except that instead of my eyes closed, they are wide open, and I inhale the smell of coffee (which I’m obsessed with by the way), and I experience this calming effect where I’m in my own bubble, just taking in everything and appreciating everything I have. Like I said, it’s not a moment that can be put into mere words. It’s an experience.

Just like that without my own knowledge, I ended up creating something to look forward to every week. During the week, when I’m busy or tired or feeling miserable, I tell myself, it’s the weekend soon & I keep pushing myself. Why? Just so that I make it to Saturday & I make sure I’m up early just so that I have this moment, where I can enjoy it & it honestly just rejuvenates me.

I’m on a very long journey of self discovery & loving myself and this is one of the first steps I’ve taken; creating a moment for myself where I love everything around me & more specifically I love myself, where everything is just the way it is every other day of the week, and yet in this particular moment all of it makes me happy.

You might wonder why is it such a big deal for me to have a moment even if it’s just five minutes long where I love myself, where I love my life. It’s because majority of the remaining time & for the past four years, I’ve just spent it all hating life, hating myself, hating everything & just wanting to die every single moment of my life. But I can proudly say that after four whole years of being filled with pessimism and hatred & negativity, I’ve finally reached a point where I’m happy & positive even if it’s just for five minutes every week because that amounts to 20 minutes per month & 240 minutes per year. And that is a big deal. I mean I went from zero minutes of joy & optimism per year to a whole of 240 minutes and I created this for myself. Nobody else did. Not a friend, not family, not a lover, no one. I did this all by myself. And this has taught me a major lesson, which by the way everyone has been saying all this time but it just took me so long to apprehend it’s true meaning; you are responsible for your own happiness.

Thank you so much for reading this. I highly appreciate it. I hope you have a delightful day.

~ Azraa 🖤

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