INSIDE MY CRANIUM: Broken

I’m hurting. I’m hurting so much and I don’t know what to do about it. I have no one to talk to. There are people who will listen but I know that they are busy, they have better things to do than to listen to my rantings, which by the way consist of the same things being said on a loop, and I also know that all of them listen to respond, and they feel obliged to respond back with some form of positivity and that’s not what I want. I want someone to listen, to listen properly to every word that escapes my lips and understand it, I want this someone to understand the intensity of pain I am in and to just be there for me, to make me feel understood and that is all I want. But I don’t have anyone who will listen and it hurts. It hurts so much and I don’t know what to do. So I thought of writing.

Why does it hurt? Or why does it hurt so damn much? Honestly I don’t know. No new tragic has befallen upon me and I am very much thankful for that. It’s the same old things. The same old things for which I’ve already spent days and months wallowing over and was convinced that I had gotten past it all. But apparently not. Or maybe I’m just such a pathetic creature that I just don’t know how to let go of stuff and just make the best of the life I’m living. This, this is what I hate. This wallowing in self pity and self hatred. I want to stop it, but I cannot because I do find myself pathetic, miserable and very much repulsive. I find myself to be such a huge disappointment, to myself, to my parents & just to everyone else in general.

I used to be someone filled with joy, confidence, dreams, ambitions & just everything normal. And all of that has been replaced with pessimism, tears and just more pessimism. Every single day, I try to get past it all and somedays I even foolishly believe that I have finally stepped back into the realm of positivity and joy, except the very next day I find myself back in the deep, dark ditch of negativity and misery. I keep fluctuating between these two extremes and I hate that so very much because it’s just so damn exhausting. It’s not only taking a huge toll on my mental health, but it’s also affecting my physical health and the quality of my day to day life and it all sucks so very much.

I just want to live a normal life where I wake up everyday and have a bunch of goals to achieve for the day and just go about life. I don’t want to wake up every single day and force myself to step out of the house and mentally prepare myself as if I’m stepping into a battle. My life is very much blessed and so much better than so many others out there and yet I go around every single day, feeling extremely broken and empty and just miserable and I know for a fact that I’m wasting away the life I’ve been blessed with by letting myself feel the way I do. I try and try and try so very hard to turn things around, to see the good, to feel positive and yet, every single one of those attempts have succeeded in lasting for more than a few hours and if I’m extra lucky, then maybe for a whole day or two.

Now I’m just exhausted. I keep trying and yet I keep falling off the wagon. I’ve reached a point where even I’m very much aware of how sloppy and forgetful & disgustingly lazy I am and that is what I find so repulsive about myself. I hate the person I’ve become. I hate who I am. I hate myself. And I’m also aware of how very toxic this mentality is. Yet, despite striving for so long to get past these thoughts, they only keep building up every single day and the chaos in my life keeps getting worse. I’m surrounded by complete silence and yet, inside my cranium there’s just too much noise which doesn’t go away even when I close my ears, or play music super loudly or just force myself to talk others, none of it helps to quieten the voices in my head, spewing out one toxic thought after another.

The fact that I’m very much aware of what’s happening just makes it all worse. If I was lost and confused, at least I wouldn’t be feeling every emotion with such great clarity and intensity. But I’m not. I’m very much clear and aware of what’s happening and yet, no matter what I try to do, nothing is changing, except for the intensity of the pain, which keeps on increasing every passing moment. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of all of this noise in my head. I’m tired of this cycle. I’m just so very tired. And I’m sad. So very sad about all of this. Sad and broken. And there is this bubble of self hatred I’m living inside and I don’t know how to free myself. I don’t know.

 

~ Azraa

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